Elle takes on DC

Reluctant to disclose her political aspirations, Elle devoted her time in DC to pleasure, not business. Once Ikea and Costco were out of the way (twice each), she tackled the Zoo. I'm pretty sure she had more fun on the escalator and Metro than at the zoo, which is not to say the zoo wasn't thoroughly enjoyed... just that the pure joy of riding up and down the magical moving staircase and whooshing through underground homicide scenes tunnels was difficult to top. Upon seeing the other passengers holding onto the pole on the Metro, E assumed this position. I think she may be a big city girl after all.

I had a tough time answering the deluge of "What that is?" with this guy, but ended up announcing decidedly that he's an Aardvark, although I fully expected her to correct me. She humored me this time and let me think that she thinks that I'm smart. Whew.

Ummm.... fox? I mean, Alopex lagopus, of course.

Seriously, we did actually see some real animals. Only they were difficult to photograph through the plexiglass and/or hiding in the distant shade. And these guys were much more willing to pose with my daughter. And allow her to touch them in not-so-socially acceptable places.

Yeah, I know. That Panda is a good sport.

She was rather infatuated with the multi-colored giant pagoda-tummied bear. Mimi and Grampa also fell under the Panda's spell. He's working on world dominion. You heard it here first.

We saw the Monument... or Big Tall White Building, as Elle affectionately refers to it.

We showed a little leg at the Jefferson Memorial

And we acted actually were embarrassed that Jefferson saw our panties.

We ran through the grass with a grumpy look on our face.

We made appearances at the Museum of Natural History (Dinosoooors!) and the Air and Space Museum (Airpanes!)

And we left with the souvenier without which no 2-year-old's trip to DC would be complete...

Yep, a spacesuit.

I didn't have the hear to tell her that the pink patent leather shoes weren't very practical for moonwalking. And that they clash with the spacesuit.

Apparently in all of the hullabaloo to make the family trip to our nation's capital memorable (oh and for Mommy to work), we forgot basic things like watering our child. We do have indoor plumbing, E.

Welcome home.

Just like home...

Living in DC for a month would have been a lot more fun 2 years, one marriage, and one offspring ago. But since every radiology resident in the country (and internationally) has to do it, I guess (for once) the rules apply to me too. I can't say that I didn't count down the days till I could come home, that I didn't wallow in melodrama seemingly out of proportion to the actual time I had to spend away from E, or that I didn't REALLY appreciate my Stearns-and-Foster upon my return. Grampa and Mimi eased my plight by bringing Elle up for a long weekend and I hit the road for her birthday weekend stopping only when my GPS lady insisted I do so by "suggesting" a rest stop. She's starting to become pretty controlling, but that's another post...

In the end, we survived. And although I feared Elle would face the world every day while I was gone dressed like this:

I think they managed just fine. Dirty Dancing meets Punky Brewster look notwithstanding.

Little did I know upon my arrival just how much I'd miss the comforts of home. Stearns and Foster and superautomatic coffee machine might be asking too much, but I thought lights, air-conditioning, and other electric necessities would be... well... necessary. Unfortunately, this is what I pulled up to after turning onto the street of my DC house. Could have used the heads-up on this one, GPS lady.

Yes that's a power line under that tree. And a car. And part of a house. One might think our nation's capital would be efficient at restoring power to its inhabitants. One would be wrong. 4 days of dark, hot, canned-tuna eating.

But wait, there's more. 2 weeks later a second monstrosity of a storm (tsunami?) hit. 2 of the most destructive storms in DC history both during my stay? Seriously?

The entrance of my friends' apartment where I was seeking solace from the first bout of inclement weather looked like this:

More tree carnage.

And 3 more days without power. Go ahead, pity me.

Finally, Jay and Elle arrived and we attempted some sightseeing.

Attempt# 1.

Attempt #2.

Attempt #3. At least Doggie finally woke up. Look Doggie, Monument!

Well rested, Elle devoted full attention to the MUST-SEE activities for every 2 year old in DC:

Ikea.

The Brrrrrr Room at Costco.

And reading a pirate book to her baby while sitting in a bucket of sorts.

Just. Like. Home.

Slightly more typical trip-to-DC pictures to follow...

Two.

In some crazy time-warp reminiscent of those green planters that Mario used to squat into in the old school Nintendo days, my baby is now officially two. I haven't the time nor the emotional fortitude to attempt pairing blog-worthy words with the enormity of the occasion. My baby. It seems like just yesterday, and yet an absolute lifetime ago that we brought the little wrinkly one home from the hospital, ready to take on the world from day one. And from day one she filled a hole in our family that we had no clue even existed. Not that there weren't wee-hour-in-the-morning conversations about listing her on ebay (well, maybe just once), or elaborate contraptions derived to eek out a few more minutes of sleep (may the velcro device never fall into enemy hands), or moments of collapse from utter exhaustion/frustration. But now that my first baby is officially no longer a baby, I know I would never trade a single moment for anything in the world.

Happy Birthday E, my precocious little one who communicates in full sentences and amazes me every day with your vocabulary, understanding of very grown-up concepts, your compassion for your family, friends, and various inanimate objects, and your sweet sweet smile. Why you think it's hilarious to lick my arm I do not know, but to hear that laugh I'll gladly be licked silly.

My mom says when I was very young I told her that I loved the periwinkle blue crayon so much it made my heart hurt. I think I remember how that must have felt, only now with the jumbo 164-count box of all periwinkle blues. Elle and Jay, you are my periwinkles and I love you more than you'll ever know.

Ready to party

E (enthusiastically) greets her guests

She might be smiling if Mom could carry a tune...

Before:

During:

After:

More After:

Waaaay after:

E opens clothes and takes the opportunity for an outfit change:

But deems pants an unnecessary accessory.

Giggling at Pooh's antics in a birthday book

Sous Chef Elle

Elle's 0th birthday

1st birthday

Happy 2nd Birthday Elle!

A friend sent this to me eons ago, and every time I read it I have a new stage of motherhood to relate to/sympathize with/laugh about/bawl over. Enjoy.

Parenting poetry from the heart

(or maybe the spleen)

Stop! Stop! Stop!

I do not like this game.

Where you pretend to be a thrashing alligator

and you are naked. On the changing table.

And I am some lady

trying to put a diaper on an alligator.

Alligators don't wear diapers.

Or was that

your point?

.

I can hardly believe

how much noise can come from

such a small creature.

I must hide you away for the good of mankind

lest the military discover

your powers.

.

This is not a poisonous substance. It will not cause you harm.

There is no need to make that face. Or to spit it out.

It is

macaroni and cheese.

.

when you make that sound

somewhere

an angel's eardrums

explode

.

Wow.

That sure is a lot of poop.

And here I thought you didn't eat enough dinner.

Is that

a

noodle?

.

Did you know you are my heart

did you know you fill me with happiness

did you know you are my everything

did you know, my dear, oh did you

know

It is 5:30 in the freaking morning?

GO.

BACK.

TO.

SLEEP.

.

Splashing is fun!

And you are

slippery

and adorable

in the bathtub.

Oh look!

You made a fountain.

.

If you stop that screaming

I will pay you

Eleventy jillion dollars.

Really

I promise

Here is a check.

.

It is a good thing for the parents of small children like you

that God created

caffeine.

.

Here are the things in this household that are toys:

that. this. that. and that.

wait

the naming of toys

is going to take a long time

for there are SO VERY MANY OF THEM.

And yet you insist

on playing with

power cords.

.

Oh

hey

what

do

you

know

another

tooth.

.

Sometimes I want to put you in a spaceship

and push "Destination: Mars"

and wave goodbye to you my sweet

and pray for those unsuspecting Martians.

But then you smile

and laugh with me.

And I say oh okay

you can stay.

Those Martians

don't deserve you

anyway.

.

I love you more than my heart has room for

so my love spills everywhere

I am a Love Valdez

because of you. Baby mine.

:::

Maybe when you are done eating

you could say "no more"

or shake your head.

I do understand what you're saying

by letting the last mouthful fall out onto your shirt

so I guess we are communicating

but

I do enough freaking laundry

already.

.

No offense

but if you were on Survivor

you would get voted off

first.

They would say you had a strong personality

but they would really mean

that you were too whiny

wouldn't eat the coconuts

sucked at the puzzles

and couldn't swim a lick.

.

Your shoes are not filled with bees

I checked.

So why not

leave them on?

Oh. I guess

you're right

I did not

check

for sharks.

..

You are tired

do you know how I can tell?

Because you are acting

like a grownup.

One with a full bottle of tequila on an empty stomach, that is.

Let's go to bed, drunken toddler.

.

Yelling from the backseat is bad

it makes Mama's head

feel like a balloon that is about to pop

Balloons are pretty to look at, aren't they?

but believe me

Mama's popped head-balloon is something

you would need lots of therapy

to forget you ever saw.

Someone would have to come take you home

and a nice man named Mr. Wolf would have to clean up Mama's car.

So please,

let's be quiet back there.

.

It doesn't seem right

that I can tell whether or not you have pooped

before I even open your bedroom door.

.

I have read about horses

who expand their midsections when humans put saddles on their bodies

then later

they can exhale, and the saddle is too loose. And so they cannot be ridden.

Are you like a wild horse

who refuses the saddle?

Because this puffed out belly thing during diaper changes

is quite strange.

.

It seems unfair

that on top of all the responsibilities

the worry

the guilt

the raw, tender love

I have to clip your darn fingernails, too.

..

I am thinking about making a cracker

targeted especially for toddlers

they will be called Danger Crisps

and they will come

in the following flavors:

Electrical

Choking Hazard

Toxic

Rocks N' Dirt

I think they will be a hit, based on my extensive market research

of one.

.

My heart must be made of elastic

some stretchy material

with room for expansion.

My heart is like maternity wear

all because of you.

::::

Look!

Here,

in my hand

it's a Kleenex tissue

with lotion. Lotion!

It has aloe and vitamin E and it is soft.

If I were wiping your nose

with a Brillo pad

Maybe I could better understand

your reaction.

As it is

you're just making me

want to take my sweet-ass time.

.

.

Guess what,

little one.

I have

a newsflash

for you.

This task? At hand?

Is not my favorite

either.

How's about giving

me a break

So I can more properly

dig poop

from

your

scrotal

area.

.

Sometimes when you run

it looks like the bottom half of your body

isn't really connected

to the top half.

I don't know why

I love that so much.

My little malfunctioning

robot.

.

Hey! Let's flap our arms!

Hey! Let's play with trucks!

Hey! Let's scream with joy!

Hey! Let's run real fast!

Hey! Let's start crying for no reason whatsoever!

Wait.

Damn.

And it was going so well.

.

I like to take your pants off

because then you go all crazy

and run around giggling

As if you could say

I'm Crazy No-Pants Baby!

Give me some candy!

Maybe you wouldn't really say that

because you don't know who

Adam Sandler is

But that's what I imagine you saying

when you run around like some kind of

crazy no-pants baby.

.

I know the first time you did it

we laughed.

And now you don't understand

why it's not okay

to feed the dog string cheese.

Please, just

stop. She's getting

fat

and you're

not eating your

dinner.

.

I used to joke about

how it was a good thing babies aren't twenty feet tall

because oh my god

think of the damage they could do.

But now I know

if ever there was a twenty-foot baby

mostly things would get

drooled on.

Now, a twenty-foot toddler

that's just

terrifying.

.

Um, sweetie?

How can I say this

It makes Daddy

uncomfortable

when you curiously

touch

his nipple.

.

We share some opinions,

you and I.

Fruit is good

the cat's fur is soft

Being outside is fun

and that guy Joe?

On Blue's Clues?

Is an interloper

who should be burned

like a witch!

Burn him he's a witch!

Burn! Burn! Burn-

ahem.

Sorry.

I just felt like you and I

were on the same page,

on that one.

.

I was wondering what

your ingredient label would read

(if you had such a thing)

and I decided it would

include:

- Summer grass

- Thorn-bushes

- Labrador puppies

- Blue skies

- Treacherous seas

- High thread count sheets

- Electric eels

- Warm chocolate chip cookies, fresh from the oven

- Poop

- Sunshine

Exact content amounts would

vary, of course

depending on

various

things.

.

Today you ran

full tilt

directly into my knees

and hugged me.

And I was all,

be careful!

But I didn't really want you to be careful

if that meant

not doing it again.

.

Kissing you is sort of

like kissing

a

banana slug.

Well I'm sorry!

But it is.

Come here,

my beloved

Old-Navy-clad

gastropod.

.

Whenever I hold your tiny, eager hands

I think

Please

oh please

Let me be so lucky

to hold your hands throughout the years

Let me hold your reluctant, older hands

and remember the days

when they were tiny