I couldn't focus on the logistics of how my 3-year-old had access to scissors of the hair-cutting strength (whatever happened to the "safety" variety?!) during naptime, why she wasn't (doesn't ever) napping, and why no one saw the incident in progress. Or at least before she hacked off both sides with amazing symmetry. Yes, symmetrically hacked nearly to her scalp-- somehow feathered a la Farah Fawcett, but with a laughable-if-someone-else's-kid rattail in the back. A proper mullet. A beautician she will not be. All I could say over and over, in traumatized victim fashion, was "her beautiful long blonde hair..."
I resisted the urge to post a musical montage of beautiful long blonde hair photos set to some nostalgic 80's ballad, although I'd be lying if I said there hasn't been one running through my head ever since.
I couldn't really get mad at her, as it occurred to me that I've never actually explained to her that she shouldn't cut her own hair. This realization led to panic about a million other things that seem common sense to me, but haven't been explicitly stated to my daughter. Don't get a tattoo. Don't put anything you find on the gas station bathroom floor into your mouth. Or your sister's mouth. Don't skydive. Don't lick a battery...
I also discovered how selfish I am, when another parent in E's class made the statement, "Look on the bright side... at least she didn't cut someone else's hair!" Are you kidding? I would so much rather her have cut someone else's hair! Of course I would have apologized profusely, felt really really bad, disciplined Elle appropriately, and offered some Baked Goods of Repentance. But still, I would have much rather her cut someone else's hair.
Off we went to Great Clips, where I requested the mullet to be coiffed into something as presentable as possible. Is it the most flattering look for her sweet little round face? No. Does she look a bit like a boy? Ummm, maybe. Do I sometimes think she looks like a little Hillary Clinton? No comment. Is she still my beautiful sweet little girl? Absolutely. Just stay away from the scissors, kiddo.