Things I said I'd never do as a parent:

Bribe my kids with food.

If jelly beans get me to work in anything resembling a punctual fashion, then Jelly Bean Reward System it is...


Be that mom whose kids say exceedingly eclectic things to strangers in grocery stores.
Elle, matter of factly: My mother and father are Hebrew slaves.
Um, What?!

Gush over how incredibly, uniquely, and unparalleledly smart my kids are.
I say a word. Elle can tell me which letter it starts with and then write that letter. Perfectly. She's THREE. Clearly brilliant.
I hand Elise a toy. She grabs it and smiles at me. Sheer genius.

Drive a minivan.Or more accurately, fight with my husband over who gets to drive the minivan.

Let the iPhone entertain my kid in restaurants. The alternative is letting her run around like the Tazmanian Devil introducing herself to neighboring diners.

Be a broken record of "No. Don't do that. Stop. Not now. I said No. If you ___ one more time..."

Hold/nurse a sleeping baby for an hour because that's the only way to achieve meaningful nap.

Complain nonstop about how sleep deprived I am.

Whip out the iphone camera roll of 1300 kid/baby photos for anyone who exhibits even the faintest interest.

Consider peppermint chewing gum a reasonable substitute for teeth brushing when getting to work on time is a priority and Jelly Bean Reward System has failed me.

Be sure to chew with those back teeth...