Not Me! Monday

I do not routinely consider salsa a vegetable. The fact that the tortilla chips are made of corn never crosses my mind either.

Incidentally, I also did not pass on the curly-haired gene to my poor little frizzy offspring. She scoffs in the face of humidity and always maintains a perfectly smooth and straight coif.


Speaking of ladylike manners, I would never tolerate my husband teaching our child the effects of pulling one's digit.



Particularly not in church clothes. I also would not die laughing when she actually produces the response that the finger pulling is designed to elicit. Laughter would not degenerate to public guffawing when I say "Shoo-wee Elle!" and she responds "It's just gas Mommy"




In true Halloween spirit, I did not almost give in to my daughter's desire to dress up as Mr. T...



I pity the fool who tries to give me one of those nasty peanut butter things in the orange or black wax wrapper!


I did not suggest that we stick with the original plan and be an astronaut instead. I also just did not have to think a little too hard about how to spell astronaut.

As the world's most enthusiastic holiday celebrater, I most certainly did not become an absolute curmudgeon when Halloween rolled around. Nope, the same person who has been known to bake Abraham Lincoln shaped cookies for President's Day would never get jaded by a full day of generalized Two-i-tude, complete with a few token tantrums, unabashed whininess, and no fewer than 7,489 utterances of the phrase "Mommy, hold meeeee!". Even complete refusal to take a nap would never spoil my excitement for the holiday festivities. Nor would said protest lead me to rock my child for 2 solid hours as if she were 2 weeks old and not 1,352 weeks old. And I most certainly wouldn't be grumpy that only 12 of those rocking minutes actually involved eye closure. Needless to say, I would never seize the opportunity when Elle answered the question "Do you want to go trick-or-treating" with a resounding and very typical of the day, "NO!" I did not allow either of our moods to dampen the spirit of the night, and we did not forgo the whole shindig. I am not a horrible mother.


I did not justify that E had plenty of fun during the party at school Friday, frolicking in costume with her best bud Isabelle.

Elle did not have wand envy.

And I did not secretly lament the opportunity to do my motherly duty to screen and prune the spoils that we would have brought home if I hadn't been the Halloween Grinch...


Nope, not me.